I have been on both sides of grief in the last three years. I lost someone, and I have also tried to support friends who lost people. And the experience on both sides has taught me that we are genuinely terrible at this as a society — not from cruelty but from discomfort and not knowing.
Things that did NOT help me when I was grieving:
- "They are in a better place"
- "At least you had them for X years"
- "You have to be strong for the family"
- Advice on how to feel better faster
- Checking in heavily for two weeks and then going quiet
Things that actually helped:
- Someone sitting with me in silence and not trying to fix it
- A friend who kept checking in three, four, six months later when everyone else had moved on
- Someone who said "I don't know what to say but I'm here"
- Practical help: food, errands, logistics, not just emotional support
What would you add from your own experience? What has someone done for you in grief that actually mattered?