I have a pattern. I can see it clearly from the outside. Every significant relationship I've had has been with someone who could not fully show up — emotionally distant, commitment-avoidant, more comfortable with crisis than with ordinary intimacy.
And the troubling thing is I only recognise this after the fact. In the moment, I'm drawn to them. Their mystery reads as depth. Their unavailability makes the moments they do show up feel earned.
My therapist and I have been unpacking where this comes from. There are threads from childhood I'm pulling at. But understanding the origin doesn't automatically change the pattern in real time when I'm standing across from someone new.
What has helped people actually shift this in practice — not just in theory? How do you rewire attraction? How do you stop mistaking a chase for a connection? How do you let someone straightforward and consistent feel exciting instead of boring?